


green with envy

by fated_addiction



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop, Korean Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, SM Entertainment | SMTown, f(x)
Genre: Dating, F/M, Romance, hipsters in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-18 19:11:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8172722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: The wine bottle is under halfway when they order cupcakes – chocolate, he decides, because it’s nearing two am and that’s all that was left the last time. 
The problem with getting injured is that you start to think about reality and Jongin has barely wrapped his head around dating as it is.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Fulfilling all the Tumblr requests - on a rainy day _and_ listening to Solange's new, amazing album that I'm super obsessed with right now.
> 
> Anyhow, I really wanted to call this 'hipsters in love' because that's literally all I think about when it comes to Kaistal and my giant, insane feelings of the Kaistal variety. And that's how we got here, lol.

-

 

 

The wine bottle is under halfway when they order cupcakes – chocolate, he decides, because it’s nearing two am and that’s all that was left the last time. There is music on in the kitchen, Soojung leaving her record player next to the wine bottle with dinner and dishes to finish.

“When does your flight leave?” he asks, and Soojung is on her floor, eyes closed and her legs stretched out against the wall. Her hair fans out over the carpet and Jongin watches as the corners of her mouth twitch.

“Tomorrow night,” she answers sleepily. Jessica has been gone for hours. “I’ll be back next Sunday; they’ve stretched out my work schedule so that I can actually walk around Italy this time.”

He laughs. “You mean fill up your Instagram feed?” And he ducks when she decides to lob the pillow by her head at his face, stumbling to stretch out into the space next to her. He shifts his gaze to the ceiling, reaching out and twisting his fingers into a few strands of her hair. “Bring me back something,” he says lightly, and he thinks, just for a second how weird the words _i’m going to miss_ you kind of taste.

She makes a sound, something that is suspiciously akin to a laugh. 

“I think about it.”

Jongin stays smiling. “I’ll text you my sizes,” he teases.

He feels her cheek press into his fingers and feels himself start to settle, pushing the pillow she threw at him under his head. He sighs and little and sure, of course, it’s probably the wine that’s making him feel this way. The thing is everyone tells you how dangerous health breaks are. You gain perspective. You see the world and it sort of slows down: work is always going to be work, but things like the city seems sharper, full of reminders that feel normal against his tongue.

Jongin misses dancing. Misses the rush. Misses his members even though he still sees them everyday. But is remembering what it feels like to be a human being. It’s a little startling, off-putting even, and he doesn’t really understand how he feels about it. It’s like seeing what life could be like if choices where different.

“I can hear you thinking.”

He snorts. “That’s the wine.”

“You better be thinking about cupcakes,” Soojung scolds him, rolling onto her stomach and then shifting herself to hang over his chest. Wine makes her sleepy. He remembers their second glass somewhere in the kitchen, reaching forward and brushing her hair behind her ear. “Cupcakes and presents,” she adds.

“That’s a promise now. You can’t back out.”

“Depends if your size is around.” She doesn’t miss a beat and Jongin laughs.

“I’m just thinking,” he says anyway, after awhile. The lines in her forehead crease and he shrugs, brushing his thumb over her mouth. “Nothing bad,” he tells her. “Just a little bit of this and _stuff_ – you know how I get.”

She gets this look, and it’s this one look, where her eyes suddenly seem brighter and her mouth wrinkles in the corners, like she’s trying to smile but not. Jongin knows this one look all too well; Soojung is a secret unto herself and all he can do is remember that he’s loved her since forever, since the first time they met at the company, since they were kids and love wasn’t exactly written into their progress and growth. She gets this look and he wants to tell her everything, confess to all these feelings that don’t even make sense to him either and really, that’s the terrifying part. Not the knee injury. Not being in the industry. But unraveling right her, right in front of her.

He wonders if he can meet her halfway.

“Anyway,” he beats her to the subject change. “We should probably finish that wine or your sister is going to kill us.”

Soojung rolls her eyes. “She doesn’t even like this one.” She drops her head back onto his chest and then turns, facing the ceiling instead. “And anyway,” she says, “eonni said to finish it because she wasn’t going to drink it and it was a present or whatever.”

Jongin laughs, wrapping his fingers back into her hair, combing them through the strands. His breathing starts to fall into long, soft and easy sighs, his eyes closing for just a few minutes more. It’s wine, he thinks. _You’re crazy_ , he tells himself. These days, there are things that are just easier to hear.

 

 

 

 

 

Jongdae buys him coffee midweek. In the morning, around the corner from the dorm; they sit by the window and he is scrolling through his phone to find Soojung and her picture from the beach.

“They had almond milk,” Jongdae says, pushing his coffee across the table. “Not soy – not that you care,” he adds, his mouth twisting with amusement. It’s been three hours since his mini-scandal and exes had an adventure on the Internet.

“I don’t,” Jongin agrees, tossing his phone to the side. He reaches for his coffee. “How are you?” he asks regardless. Promotions are over and they are opening up for more time with each other. Yesterday, Sehun dragged him to buy flowers for his mother and the dorm.

Jongdae shrugs. “I don’t know – it’s weird. She and I talked on the phone yesterday. She’s angrier than I am. I felt bad. Then I kept thinking about how missed her? It doesn’t even make sense.”

“She was cute.”

“It’s not even that. It’s like… we rarely remember to have a life and I was really particular, you know? I understand the logistics and how hard it’s going to be when I find someone serious because we have fans and we have this imagine to uphold, but I guess I just missed her,” Jongdae kind of confesses then, staring at his coffee. He pushes his glasses up over his nose. “It sucks,” he murmurs. “Because missing her – we had a moment and I thought to myself what if my life were different, would I still feel the same way? Is it because she doesn’t understand this life? Or doesn’t want to? It was such a strange moment to have.”

Jongin groans a little. He laughs then too, pressing his hand against his forehead and then dragging it through his hair.

“We sound like we’re ninety,” he teases, and Jongdae laughs. “But seriously –” Jongin shrugs, biting his mouth. “I have all these thoughts and I hate thinking about them… like this is going to be it and I have no control over whatever that is.”

“What does Soojung-ssi say?”

Jongin looks away. “Nothing. I haven’t said anything to her. I’m worried that I’m going to burden her with all of this. When we confirmed everything, it was hard for her.”

“And hard for you to watch,” Jongdae murmurs.

“Yeah. That too.”

He is quiet then, opening his phone up again, staring at the picture of Soojung on the beach in Italy. Jongin feels his mouth sort of turn and his finger slides gingerly over her frame, trying to picture this moment. He doesn’t know how to insert himself yet; this may just be all the weight of his worrying, wondering if he can exist right along with her outside the insanity of his career and as himself.

He wonders if she sees him this way too.

 

 

 

 

 

Confession:

It seems oddly poetic to say that the first time he saw Soojung dance was the first time he knew, more than just knew, that this was _the girl_ and there was no other place for her in his head. She was awkward, that first time, and shy and uncomfortable and about a million more things he can place, seeing her in his head. But she wasn’t _krystal_ , she was Soojung and that was something that he came to claim, whether she knew it or not.

 

Confession again:

There’s no real way to point out when it all came to head, when they both decided that they were going to try dating and do this for real; the moment remains as simple as their first introduction, him grabbing her hand at the end of the company stage rehearsal, pulling her away from her members for just a slight moment and into a small corner with his heart launching itself into his throat. It wasn’t perfect but she became real to him then, ultimately a terrifying truth, with sweaty palms and sticky hair and that sweet, warm scent that he carried long after he leaned in and kissed – _okay_ is all that she said, smiling straight into his mouth.

 

 

 

 

 

Soojung comes home Monday, not Sunday, and with a text that says _flight delays are the worst_ that he can’t reply to because he is on his way to his physical therapy appointment and they had plans for a date later in the week anyway.

But when he comes back to the dorm, it’s empty dorm and there is a note from Sehun tapped to the door of his room that says something like _upstairs, see you later!_ which is confusing to him because no one said anything about plans this morning at breakfast. He opens the door though, fumbling for his wallet. He stops short, wide-eyed and dropping everything when he sees Soojung in his bed, suitcase in the corner with a pair of boots and her long legs stretched out over his blankets.

“Hi.”

Jongin opens his mouth. Then it closes.

“Someone told me that you’re being super depressing,” she says, smiling a little, and she swings her legs over the side of the bed, just as he comes to stand in front of her. Jongdae, he thinks. Soojung reaches for one of his hands, linking their fingers together. “And that you’re afraid to tell me about it,” she says too, after awhile, “because you probably think that I’m too serious about these things anyway.”

“You are,” he retorts. Soojung laughs and Jongin narrows his eyes. “Don’t make me point out your Instagram again.”

“You’re just jealous.”

She doesn’t give him time to react either, yanking his arm. He tumbles forward, over her and into his bed. Soojung’s laugh is soft and low and pressing into his neck as his stomach explodes into knots and sighs. He buries a hand into her hair and exhales, pulling her close as a weight starts to pull away from him.

“Maybe,” he answers. And he thinks: _maybe i should just tell her_. Which is stupid. Because his head’s a mess and what good would a confession do him anyhow. “I’m just stuck inside my head and probably need to start doing something that isn’t physical therapy or photo shoots to give myself a change of pace.”

Soojung leans up, studying him under her lashes. “Probably,” she agrees. Her mouth softens and he thinks about kissing her. “You know,” she murmurs, “I think about these things all the time – what I would be doing had I not gotten into the industry, what if I had left the company with my sister, and do I have any kind of staying power. I think about how lucky I am to have my members and…” She ducks, sighing. “You,” she murmurs. “But I don’t want to think about what my life might have had been like had I not met you.”

This is the thing about Soojung. There is a lot of self-discovery; his girlfriend is someone that is quiet this way, someone that isn’t into the large, sweeping gestures and prefers hand holding and waking up in bed together, listening to rain and fighting over the radio in the car. She is unintentionally romantic and mystifies him, makes him a little harder without knowing anything else.

“But do you?” he asks, and can’t help himself.

She shrugs. “Sure,” she murmurs. “And variations of it – what if you weren’t in the industry, what if I wasn’t industry. Would we make it? I think these are normal things to think about and drive yourself crazy at the same time.”

“I just feel like... I’m holding you back when I think about these things.”

It’s like he’s chosen to tell her, all of the sudden, _i love you_ without saying the words and then saying them at him. She deserves better, he thinks. Hates himself for it. Because if she heard him, she might kill him and bring him back to kill him.

“I know it’s stupid to say,” he mutters, looking away.

Soojung scoffs. “Stupid’s not a strong enough word.” 

His fingers twist in her hair and she leans in, her mouth opening over his jaw as she half-laughs and sighs. 

“You’re an idiot,” she tells him again, pressing into him. “For feeling guilty about feeling _stuff_ ,” she says.

Her mouth finds his nose and she bites lightly. It makes him laugh and slide his leg between hers, his fingers working over the back of her neck.

“There’s going to come a time where neither of us can do this anymore,” he manages still. “Being in this industry. There’s going to be a time where we have to think of homes and families and school and whatever else we have to offer. I just don’t want to have to resent anything. I don’t want to –”

Jongin stops because she’s watching him intently, maybe too intently, where he feels exposed and strange and brutally honest. His fingers feel a little absent and find her mouth, running over her lips.

“I’m not a kid anymore,” he says quietly. “And I feel like I have to run and catch up with you. Just so I can ease your burden a little better. Just so that if you have a bad night or week or _whatever_ , I can –”

Her mouth is on his abruptly not gently, her teeth pulling over his lip as she kisses him without warning. He makes a low sound, pushing his hand under her jacket and sliding it underneath her shirt and over her hip. Her skin is warm, flushed and he shifts over her, pressing his tongue over hers. She tastes sweet; this is something he always thinks when he kisses Soojung, right as she meets him halfway. His head starts to spin a little and he eases against her, smiling when she laughs into his mouth.

“Just talk to me,” she chides, shyly breaking back. He presses his forehead against hers and she twists her fingers into the buttons of his shirt. “Next time,” she says. “Isn’t that part of what we’re doing? What we promised each other?”

He nods a little. “No secrets,” he agrees.

“No secrets,” she repeats. Her fingers smooth across his forehead and she’s serious then, suddenly. “For me,” she tells him, “you’re always going to be you – a little Kai, all of Jongin and everything in between. I don’t want you any other way. I don’t need you to be anything else either.” Her mouth curls. “I’m not perfect and I don’t need you to be.”

“You’re perfect to me,” he says, teasing. Mostly serious. He laughs when she cringes and he leans in, kissing the tips of her fingers. “You’ve always been.”

“Idiot,” is all she says.

It’s not one of those moments, but he thinks: she’s the prettiest like this. He leans in to kiss her again, brushing his mouth into hers and breathing. He won’t tell her just yet. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe the day after that. There is something so strange and humbling about knowing, knowing that you love someone in a way that is growing, painfully, quickly, and then taking shape. He thinks that she deserves a moment, even though she might hate it and kill him, even though he’d be completely fine with that. But he looks at her, watches as her eyes open to greet when he pulls back, just slightly, and the way that her mouth shifts and turns and she’s smiling.

The future isn’t the scary part. It’s the growing pains that come along with it, waiting blindly to catch up. Her fingers brush over his mouth and he blinks, almost startled from inside his head.

“So where’s my present?” he asks, blinking out of his head, and Soojung just laughs.

Jongin tells himself so she doesn’t have to say it: _remember how to breathe_.


End file.
